Sunday, June 19, 2005

411 - Inside Pulse Draft: Uncensored

Okay, so my apologies first off to anyone who doesn't get this nor cares one iota about inside jokes between Internet writers. Scroll on past, and I promise I'll have something more interesting tomorrow.

Joe Movies: so when do you want to do this?
Cam’ron: Joe're on the clock
Joe Movies: ohhhh shit
Joe Movies: okay well, first of all I make a motion
Cam’ron: motion away
Joe Movies: we have to split custody of Mathan
Joe Movies: maybe you get TV Mathan and I get Music Mathan or something
Cam’ron: interesting...
Cam’ron: there's a half n' half mathan joke i wanna use...
Cam’ron: inappropriate, i think
Joe Movies: hey, you're editing this thing
Joe Movies: Comics Mathan, well . . . we can keep him in the treehouse and visit him
Cam’ron: jesus...
Cam’ron: awesome...

Joe Movies: okay so the rules are . . .
Cam’ron: You pick first...
Cam’ron: can't pick a 411 or movies guy
Cam’ron: while i can’t use my first pick on IP or music guy
Joe Movies: just on the first pick?
Cam’ron: yep
Joe Movies: well then I pick the bedrock of my new Music section . . . Jeff Fernandez
Joe Movies: the world needs obscure methods of linking to other writers, after all
Cam’ron: bastard...
Cam’ron: you've broken up the minority report
Joe Movies: you made the rules, you live by 'em
Joe Movies: hey, I know of a certain Latina television "star" who could fill in should you pick her
Cam’ron: !!!
Joe Movies: your collagen budget would triple, but . . .
Cam’ron: might've woke jalen up on that one
Joe Movies: heh

Joe Movies: okay, you deliberate your pick while i stew on the fact that these 411 bastards haven't asked me to do Movies Fact or Fiction yet
Cam’ron: i firmly believe that every pop culture website should have a strong movies zone and with that in mind, i'm taking Abe Hayhurst number one
Joe Movies: side note: the best part of owning a Simpsons Season 4 DVD is the veritable smorgasboard of Grandpa quotes I've stockpiled for linking to Leonard
Cam’ron: ah, but now that he's writing for me, i think i'll clue him in to your little demented parlor game

Joe Movies: so, okay, my turn; question: will we have to have wrestling zones on our new sites?
Cam’ron: sadly, yes...
Joe Movies: okay, well in that case I'm picking the estimable J.D. Dunn; a talented wrestling writer! no lie! he also kicked ass reviewing horror flicks for the movies zone. I've got me a Bo Jackson-style double threat!
Cam’ron: hey, a wrestling/horror movie writer...smell those hits!
Joe Movies: hey!
Joe Movies: niches are important!
Cam’ron: gimmie Jacob Ziegler...
Cam’ron: movie domination is important
Joe Movies: fucker
Cam’ron: your movie zone sucks
Cam’ron: and that's WITH you
Joe Movies: Cam's weekly movie review count: 122; Joe's: 1
Cam’ron: hey...there's still plenty of high quality movie guys out there
Cam’ron: chuckle
Joe Movies: no bother. i'll just pick an equally talented writer from the IP Movie Zone
Joe Movies: shit
Cam’ron: !!!
Joe Movies: it's probably too high in the draft to pick Revenge of the Sith Reviewer #8, huh?Cam’ron: dude
Cam’ron: surprisingly, he's still out there...
Joe Movies: my Movies Zone is decimated - time to wreck your shit music zone style!
Joe Movies: I pick . . . Gloomchen
Cam’ron: desperation pick
Joe Movies: the only writer alive who could give you chase in a popularity contest
Cam’ron: bah...wait until everyone finds out that she's really a man
Joe Movies: oh you can't sucker me into making the "she's not?" joke
Cam’ron: christ...
Joe Movies: i'm far too respectable for that
Cam’ron: how can i use any of this?
Cam’ron: i'm dyin' out here
Joe Movies: nice job you had once

Cam’ron: geez...two picks for me...two 411 guys...
Cam’ron: nice job i had once
Joe Movies: Mel Kiper is ripping you on ESPN by the way
Cam’ron: yeah...while he's creaming with effusive praise over the monday double header of Joe Reid and JD Dunn...
Joe Movies: Michael irvin won't shut up about us
Cam’ron: i'm gonna hate myself in the morning...scott keith, please
Joe Movies: !!
Joe Movies: oh i didn't think I'd win this early

Cam’ron: widro says that the readers will follow the wrestling flagship guys
Joe Movies: Cam's new site: DUD
Cam’ron: !!!
Cam’ron: your PPV recaps will be links to my site
Joe Movies: just promise me to have several Scott versus Cam columns on the subject of Oz
Joe Movies: he can discuss the finer points of the Beecher-Vern dynamic while you make Method Man jokes
Cam’ron: hey, now...published author = literary credibility...i'm hoping he can use some pull to get Maya Angelou to do a guest spot...
Cam’ron: "Froot Loops..."
Joe Movies: "swimming in the frothy mother sea of milk"

Joe Movies: okay my pick
Joe Movies: well your last pick will get the fan forums rocking . . . I'll go with Mike Huckaby. He publishes, like, one column every leap year, but the staff forums will be a blast
Joe Movies: as an added bonus, he can put together some cool feature projects like the 411 100 which your site can steadfastly refuse to rip off
Cam’ron: !!!
Cam’ron: and you only had to sell your soul by drafting someone who's your complete individual and spirtual opposite to get him!
Cam’ron: good show!!!
Joe Movies: what? i luurrrrrve the Scotsmanality style!
Joe Movies: it touches the pissy fifteen year old inside us all

Cam’ron: well, if YOU'RE going to draft against type, then I'm taking Mitch Michaels, because the "M" is for "morality"!
Cam’ron: he will now leave the room and pray for your souls
Joe Movies: the other "M," by the way, stands for "merciful Zeus, you found someone who hates Lil' Kim more than you do!"
Cam’ron: i think he hates all Black people
Cam’ron: which, can only lead to hilarity!
Joe Movies: note: Mitch Michaels refuses to endorse the concept of Zeus, whether merciful or otherwise
Cam’ron: we're the original odd couple!
Joe Movies: heh, ya see, white people have names like *Mitch*; and black people have names like *Aaron*
Cam’ron: it's true! it's true! you're SO lame!
Joe Movies: well, if you insist on basing your picks on alliteration, I have no choice but to pick . . . Michael Melchor
Joe Movies: his name is currently on the 411 Music page 97 times
Cam’ron: if wanted alliteration, Matthew Michael and Michaelangelo McCullar were *right there*
Joe Movies: oh no - no pseudonyms
Cam’ron: oh, right...that's gloomchen's policy too
Joe Movies: I'm holding that slot open for Yayowonder
Cam’ron: i thought he died...
Joe Movies: of embarassment
Cam’ron: !!!
Joe Movies: damn, that was cold - i hereby apologize to everyone who has ever existed ever
Cam’ron: well, if your intention was to hurt Yayo's feelings...mission accomplished
Joe Movies: i'm sorry, Yayo!
Joe Movies: you always were gracious in defeat in the 411/IP fantasy football league!
Joe Movies: unlike *some* people
Joe Movies: *ahem*
Cam’ron: here we go...
Cam’ron: didn't i get beat by the feet of white running back...?
Cam’ron: in a week when my white wide receiver struggled?
Joe Movies: next year my team's gonna be whiter than Milwaukee in January
Joe Movies: then we'll see who's the best at football

Cam’ron: speaking of the best...i'm taking IP TV Editor Murtz Jaffer with *my* next pick...
Cam’ron: two words: celebrity connections!
Joe Movies: here we go . . .
Cam’ron: what...?
Joe Movies: do the laws of eminent domain cover all the "celebrities" whose asses his nose is currently embedded in?
Cam’ron: !!!
Cam’ron: I am SO telling Apprentice Nick...
Joe Movies: just don't tell Survivor Jessie - she might write me an angry e-mail that could run five sentences or more
Cam’ron: Is "Besos" a sentence?
Joe Movies: we're letting her think it is
Cam’ron: and she should really do that upside down/right side up exclamation points thingie for that Hispanic text authenticity
Cam’ron: that or stop shaving

Joe Movies: my turn!
Joe Movies: i'll hold off on drafting Omarossa as a reality TV revenge pick . . . for now
Joe Movies: I need to shore up my movies section so I'll go with Will Helm - watcher of all movies that are crappy
Cam’ron: nice...i like how you're forced to draft the guys that you don't even link in the happy hour...and you link *everybody*!
Cam’ron: even Rutherford!
Joe Movies: i do not!
Joe Movies: of the seventeen 411 movie writers who post titty pictures in their columns I generally don't link to Scott
Cam’ron:'ll not likely have another roast in your honor, mr. ingrate
Joe Movies: hey, i don't see *your* Internet compatriots making vague tributes about how they've never heard of you before

Cam’ron: my next pick is going to actually be from IP Music...
Joe Movies: wha??
Cam’ron: I'll take Mike Eagle, who's like 411's Phil Watts without all the Samuel L. Jackson VIRTUAL YELLING at me.
Joe Movies: who needs all that anger on the Internet?
Joe Movies: on a completely different topic, I select Evocator Manes!
Cam’ron: oh, come on...don't they have to have written something in six months...and/or written something good in six years?
Joe Movies: hey, up until the other day I'd thought Mitch Michaels was an urban legend
Cam’ron: touche....although, I think Mitch is just one of Michael Melchor's many aliases
Joe Movies: so what's Matthew Michael's excuse?
Cam’ron: dude...ixnay on the iscuiti-Bay
Joe Movies: i have to say, without that ethnic last name, I could totally cast him in a wide variety of leading man roles
Cam’ron: yeah, yeah...shannon elizabeth had similar me, that two first name thing won't get you any further than 'net me
Joe Movies: speaking of which . . . I draft Shannon Elizabeth!
Joe Movies: kidding
Joe Movies: your turn anyway

Cam’ron: Hmmm... Ziegler and Hayhurst, Scooter Keith, Mitch Michaels, Murtz from TV and Mike Eagle
Cam’ron: I win in movies by default
Cam’ron: my music is an interesting dichotomy
Joe Movies: between You and Not You
Cam’ron: i've got the reality show "in" with Murtz
Cam’ron: anyone know when Joe Schmo 3 starts filming?
Joe Movies: clearly without any connections I do not
Cam’ron: my, my, my...might i say that green doesn't look good on you
Joe Movies: i notice your columns will be frustratingly single-spaced
Joe Movies: I'd draft the Coach but I worry that he and Huckaby wouldn't play nice on the staff forums

Cam'ron: I think I'll take...Ashish
Joe Movies: !!
Joe Movies: where will I get my free shit??
Cam’ron: correction: *my* free shit...
Cam’ron: besides, i needed to fill the role of "random update boy"
Joe Movies: yeah, Melchor's got that covered over here
Cam’ron: but does HE have subscriptions to every rasslin' dirt sheet, which then find there way (a little bit at a time) on to the site?
Cam’ron: "Edge in Hot Water Backstage"
Joe Movies: umm . . . I'll have to ask him?
Joe Movies: i see you're trying to goad me into drafting Widro
Cam’ron: and w/o ash, there's no one to post big boobied pictures that accompany all your great columns over there...
Cam’ron: "Hottest Women I Saw on the Bus Last Week"
Joe Movies: it's why i've taken to discussing only flat-chested women
Joe Movies: Nothing but Gwyneth Paltrow and the butch one from Baywatch for me
Cam’ron: !!!

Cam’ron: two more picks for Joe
Joe Movies: damn, i'm very music heavy
Joe Movies: which means MSNBC misses the cut (and just barely, too!)
Cam’ron: you've got angst covered, i'll give you that
Joe Movies: 411 is the new Alice in Chains
Cam’ron: music = sea of melchor "retirement" columns
Cam’ron: he writes like one of those every week
Joe Movies: says the guy who's been teasing "maybe only a few more months" since he began the gig
Cam’ron: yeah, yeah...but only ONCE, publicly

Joe Movies: I'm gonna make the solid late round pick of Cris Murphy who helped my ass out with the Oscars feature this year
Joe Movies: he's fallen into the titty pictures trap as of late but I think I can wean him off of that and onto some oblique Duke Phillips references
Cam’ron: seems that you've somehow got 10, while I have 8...
Cam’ron: shenanigans!
Joe Movies: where'd we go wrong?
Cam’ron: whoops, hold on
Joe Movies: you counting Mathan for you as well?
Cam’ron: forgot Mathan
Cam’ron: dammit
Cam’ron: don't tell him

Cam’ron: #10: John Haley...
Cam’ron: we're all about the little things
Cam’ron: plus, he's a longtime friend o' the bootleg...
Cam’ron: that's worth being picked (last)
Joe Movies: some friend you are

Joe Movies: so shall we peruse the undrafted free agents?
Cam’ron: let's
Joe Movies: okay, first off, who does Daniels have to blow to get some love over here?
Cam’ron: oh, he's a doubt
Joe Movies: also, I'm surprised I allowed Road Rules Katie to escape undrafted
Cam’ron: hey,'d have to go thru Murtz for interview opportunities, mister
Joe Movies: i'll have to move quickly if I want to keep the Beauty and the Geek cast from falling into your evil clutches
Cam’ron: personally, i hope you plan to pair evo and gloomy on the same it "suicidal tendencies" or "just kill yourselves already!"
Joe Movies: "Just Press Down and End It Already" Thursdays
Cam’ron: yet, no room for Larry Csonka?
Joe Movies: you know how I feel about the Miami Dolphins

Joe Movies: not enough MSG err, MSD in your diet?
Joe Movies: don't tell me he's still mad at you and your governor?
Cam’ron: eh...i'd just have him fetch my cocoa
Joe Movies: most importantly, dude, we left Coogan and Biscuits undrafted to start their own USFL-like competetive site
Cam’ron: XFL
Joe Movies: "They Hate We"
Cam’ron: and We Hate They
Joe Movies: i'm not trying to be an asshole here, Cam
Cam’ron: believe me, joe, you don't have to "try"
Joe Movies: as the numerous flaming bags of poop that'll be left on my doorstep after this posts will attest
Cam’ron: fear not...editing is your friend
Cam’ron: and my laborious enemy
Joe Movies: good luck with this one, dude
Joe Movies: i just hope we don't see any of these names editied out and replaced with "Mr. Black"
Cam’ron: Just ours
Joe Movies: posted by Michael Matthew and Some Guy
Cam’ron: "Joe Reid"
Joe Movies: blast
Cam’ron: who wishes to remain anonymous
Joe Movies: so good luck finding a new writing gig, brother
Cam’ron: i've had a good run...
Cam’ron: maybe 411 will have me back
Joe Movies: any defectors have to go through Rutherford and Evocator
Joe Movies: also the "supplicant" doggy door


Carlie said...

wtf? I admit I only read about a quarter....saw the word "titty" somewhere as I scrolled though.....

Joe R. said...

Yeah, it's basically the long form of a column Aaron posted a week ago. Just ignore it and wait til I post about the Brooklyn trip tomorrow.

Duke Phillips said...

I have it on good authority that there's at least ONE name mentioned in this thread who specifically asked to have his name removed. Who was it? Meh, I'll tell ya later...

Mark Hill said...

*is Bitter*

So much for linking my 3 readers to your column each week

It's like elementary school all over again.