Monday, May 16, 2005

Monday Top Five

Five things that impressed, appalled or otherwise held my attention for more than 15 seconds during the past week:

1. VH1 made the supremely excellent decision this weekend to rerun the latest season of America’s Next Top Model. I had never watched the show, but after receiving recommendation upon recommendation for it, I decided to take the plunge. Dear lord. So awesome. For so many reasons. Tyra screaming at some girl that “WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!” The one girl who fainted exactly like they do in old movies: eyes roll up and then stiff as a board until you’re on your back. The other girl who wound up with Impetigo, causing me to lose a bet with my Mom about how I thought she had made up that disease as a deterrent for touching your face with dirty hands. The time when no one knew what “aloof” meant. But the gold, silver, and bronze on this show go to Janice Dickinson: World’s First Supermodel. She’s always about six seconds away from scratching the bald guy’s face off or exposing herself just to make a point. Plus, she sexually assaulted Tyra. Woo, that was a time.


2. Significantly less great TV this weekend was the Survivor finale. Talk about letting the wind out of my sails. First Tom gets all haughty and finger-wagging at Ian for trying to strategize behind his back. Then Ian completely loses his mind and decides that having the respect of Tom and Katie (!!) means more to him than a million dollars, so he bows out (boooo!). So, I’m faced with rooting for Jerkier-Than-Thou Tom, because, what, I’m rooting for Katie? Please. And Ian doesn’t even have the good sense to regret his actions and blast Tom during the jury phase. Unsatisfying, to the extreme.

3. So, okay, I know this is going to place me squarely among every thirteen year old girl in America, but Orlando Bloom so completely needs to call me. Read his Rolling Stone interview, y’all. From dubbing his trademarked pensive pout his “Blue Steel” to the sublime exchange in which he posits that while Legolas didn’t speak a lot, what he said was important. Then he pauses. Then he realizes that Legolas didn’t really have anything important to say, either. Then he trails off. Awesome. I have a thing for Orlando Bloom. I’ll leave my credibility at the door, thanks.

4. Ladies and gentlemen, Tino Martinez. For real. The guy has got to be nothing short of royalty to Yankees fans. Not only does he fire off eight home runs in the Yanks’ eight game winning streak, but he also helps wean us off our desire to stick Jason Giambi’s face in a pile of dog poo. Well, not completely, but we’re better off than we’d be without Tino. I think of all my favorite players from the Yankees’ latest dynasty, Jeter and Tino were my two favorites, and having him back this season is all kinds of right.

5. Last but not least, a great big fat CONGRATULATIONS go out to my very good friends Brian and Kristeen on the occasion of their engagement. Everybody now: Awwwwww. Couldn’t love you guys more if you were little tiny puppies with hundred dollar bills tied around your collars. That’s a lot of love, is what I’m saying. May your lives together be happy, and may your wedding be boozy.

8 comments:

Carlie said...

Orlando Bloom = extreme hotness. After you've talked to him, slip him my digits too ok? :-P

I'd also like to be on Jude Law's "call me" list - I don't care if he's married!

Max Power said...

I love you Yankee fans. As I was telling Nick, er, uh, "someone" last week...

During the Yanks struggles three weeks ago against the putrid D'Rays, nary a peep was heard.

During the Yanks ass-kickery of the putrid Mariners and A's, it's all: "New York WHAT! New York WHAT!"

Big Stein is pleased, I guess.

Joe R. said...

Oh, trust me Cam- err, "Max," I'm staying out of any "what WHAT" territory for awhile. I don't think they're nearly out of the woods yet. I'm just happy for small favors like Tino or Bernie hitting a grand slam when you'd least expect it.

Brian said...

Ah yes, I knew it would happen, after nearly two months of reading this here blog, I can finally respond to one of Joe’s posts! As I am sure many of you are aware, Joe is a bright one, possibly the brightest of all my friends (Joe, this is not something to brag about, you know my friends), so I often have found it difficult to respond to his brilliance. Anyway, enough of my rambling, now for the meat of my response, the whole enchilada if you will, the whole ball of wax, the... thanks for mentioning me in your bloggeroo there Joe, and I promise a boozy wedding, even though I never knew people from South Buffalo liked to drink... ... ... ...

Joe R. said...

Brian, I'm as shocked as you are. Who put this Genny Light in my hand?

NATHANIEL R said...

Re: America's Next Top Model. I am as shocked as you. It's actually bad television in the good way which is so much rarer than people think. How do they even find enough people this dumb? Let alone anorexic+ female + within a certain age range + pretty (sorta) + this moronic --seriously they must have interviewed millions of people for the competition and vetoed all of those with vocabularies or who completed high school. Please tell me that the average American is not this dumb!Nobody can pronounce the word "magenta"? Fashion wannabes who are scared of the word "Issey Miyake"? I didn't even know that "aloof" was a higher-education kind of word. How do they find these girls?

Re: Bloom. Agreed. I will read it. And agreed. Who needs credibility if he's calling?

Joe R. said...

Nathaniel, they're not all anorexic, though. Keenyah's a big fat hog, remember?

Joe R. said...
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