Five things that impressed, appalled or otherwise held my attention for more than 15 seconds during the past week:
1. VH1 made the supremely excellent decision this weekend to rerun the latest season of America’s Next Top Model. I had never watched the show, but after receiving recommendation upon recommendation for it, I decided to take the plunge. Dear lord. So awesome. For so many reasons. Tyra screaming at some girl that “WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!” The one girl who fainted exactly like they do in old movies: eyes roll up and then stiff as a board until you’re on your back. The other girl who wound up with Impetigo, causing me to lose a bet with my Mom about how I thought she had made up that disease as a deterrent for touching your face with dirty hands. The time when no one knew what “aloof” meant. But the gold, silver, and bronze on this show go to Janice Dickinson: World’s First Supermodel. She’s always about six seconds away from scratching the bald guy’s face off or exposing herself just to make a point. Plus, she sexually assaulted Tyra. Woo, that was a time.
2. Significantly less great TV this weekend was the Survivor finale. Talk about letting the wind out of my sails. First Tom gets all haughty and finger-wagging at Ian for trying to strategize behind his back. Then Ian completely loses his mind and decides that having the respect of Tom and Katie (!!) means more to him than a million dollars, so he bows out (boooo!). So, I’m faced with rooting for Jerkier-Than-Thou Tom, because, what, I’m rooting for Katie? Please. And Ian doesn’t even have the good sense to regret his actions and blast Tom during the jury phase. Unsatisfying, to the extreme.
3. So, okay, I know this is going to place me squarely among every thirteen year old girl in America, but Orlando Bloom so completely needs to call me. Read his Rolling Stone interview, y’all. From dubbing his trademarked pensive pout his “Blue Steel” to the sublime exchange in which he posits that while Legolas didn’t speak a lot, what he said was important. Then he pauses. Then he realizes that Legolas didn’t really have anything important to say, either. Then he trails off. Awesome. I have a thing for Orlando Bloom. I’ll leave my credibility at the door, thanks.
4. Ladies and gentlemen, Tino Martinez. For real. The guy has got to be nothing short of royalty to Yankees fans. Not only does he fire off eight home runs in the Yanks’ eight game winning streak, but he also helps wean us off our desire to stick Jason Giambi’s face in a pile of dog poo. Well, not completely, but we’re better off than we’d be without Tino. I think of all my favorite players from the Yankees’ latest dynasty, Jeter and Tino were my two favorites, and having him back this season is all kinds of right.
5. Last but not least, a great big fat CONGRATULATIONS go out to my very good friends Brian and Kristeen on the occasion of their engagement. Everybody now: Awwwwww. Couldn’t love you guys more if you were little tiny puppies with hundred dollar bills tied around your collars. That’s a lot of love, is what I’m saying. May your lives together be happy, and may your wedding be boozy.