Monday, April 25, 2005

Monday Top Five

Five things that impressed, appalled or otherwise held my attention for more than 15 seconds during the past week:

1) Wisconsin defensive end Erasmus James, selected 18th overall by the Minnesota Vikings, takes the prize as Best Name in the NFL Draft for 2005. Not only is it an imposing and intimidating moniker, he could also pass for a preacher in some sort of post-apocalyptic setting, or a drug kingpin in a 70s blaxploitation flick. Runners up? Fabian Washington (Oakland CB and the lost member of New Edition), Roscoe Parrish (Bills WR and Mafia stoolie), and Lofa Tatupu (Seahawks LB and former military dictator of Papua New Guinea).

2) Sean Penn took the top spot at the box-office this weekend with The Interpreter. He also continued to steadfastly stand by his reputation as the Most Humourless Prick in Hollywood. Penn tells “Time” that his problem with Chris Rock’s Jude Law joke on Oscar night wasn’t so much the joke, but that no one in the audience booed it. In other words, since everyone else seemed to take the jab in stride, Penn felt he had to fill the sucking void of “sourpuss” in the room. Bottom line, says Slap-Happy Sean, the joke just wasn’t funny. This coming from the guy who willingly appeared on “Viva La Bam.” Irony: It’s What’s For Dinner.

3) You can always count on Reality TV to bring in your weekly dose of moron. This week, fate made it a double as The Apprentice’s Alex and Bren turned in what may have been the dumbest idea in the history of the show (and coming from a program which once pushed shortbread flavored ice cream as a viable suggestion, that’s saying something). Asked to produce a product for Staples that would cut down on office clutter, best buds Alex and Bren decided that what we really need in our crowded offices is another desk. Specifically, a desk with a glass top that you can lift up, placing your inbox underneath. “So you can see it.” Yes, and apparently so it can laugh and point at you from the safety of its glass enclosure since if you’re placing anything else at all on top of your desk, you’ve got no way to access it. It’s a dated phrase, but “Smooth move, Ex Lax” fits the situation pretty well. Bren, thankfully, got fired while Alex lives to dumb another day.

4) Oh, Paula Abdul. You had me at “you were very nasally up in your nasal.” This week, she also had me at “I’m totally not on drugs, I’m really honestly totally not drunk during American Idol tapings, and the only reason it seems like I’m barely repressing the urge to molest the male contestants right there onstage is because I’ve got this nerve disorder, see.” Dear, sweet Paula. Does this explain away the “Rush, Rush” video, too? Not present in the “Entertainment Tonight” interview/damage control was the admission that Paula also suffers from a rare skim pigmentation disorder that causes her to drink gallons and gallons of alcohol before she appears in front of TV cameras. It’s called Vodka-ligo and you’ve probably never heard of it. You will, of course, when it’s used as a defense theory in the Michael Jackson trial in a week or so.

5) As mentioned in this week’s Happy Hour, I think I’m on speaking terms with Jennifer Lopez again. Don’t ask me when it happened because I think it was a gradual thing. All of a sudden, I’m downloading “Get Right” on iTunes because I loved it so much at the club. Who knew? Then, she’s in some sort of spat with Pam Anderson because Jenny loves her fur and doesn’t care who knows it. And anyone who refuses to buckle to the “Fur Is Murder” crowd is okay by me. I’m Libby McLiberal 364 days of the year, but that one other day is spent eating copious amounts of read meat, wearing chinchilla from head to toe and watching that “Simpsons” episode in which Homer adopts, accidentally boils, and then eats his pet lobster Pinchy. Suck on it, PETA!


Warren Woo said...


Hee-larious. You're no Aaron Cameron, but I still enjoy your work.

Carlie said...

First off, Pacman Jones. best name ever.

My favorite part of the draft (which I was forced to listen to on the radio at work for like FIVE HOURS) was "they sure love their Johnsons!"

and Joe, you like FUR??? I don't. But my Libby McLiberalness (btw NOT a great fake club name) takes a backseat when it comes to the death penalty. You're convicted, max of one year on death row, then you fry. Maybe one appeal, but seriously, my tax money should NOT support inmates getting free shit.

if you'd like to redeem yourself, and sign the petition and get other people to.

Joe R. said...

Thanks! You're no "seriously, fuck you Widro", but you're still one of my favorite running gags.

That I forgot to include "Pacman Jones" will be the bane of my existence. Always.

mathan said...

Wait a minute!

I can come here for comedy and Warren Woo? I'm sold!

I second Vodka-ligo. But I've got to call you out on you Liberalness. If you were a real man (like me) you'd spend that day pounding baby seals and eating veal.

I'm just saying.

Joe R. said...

Actually, I referenced veal the last time I went off on PETA (look under the "Manderlay" heading").

You'll notice I was kind enough to recycle the "Pinchy" joke for this go-round, though.

Judi said...

WORD on the PETA thing! I like your choice of the word "buckle." That's my main problem with PETA -- not the beliefs, but the bullying.